Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
