Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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