I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
