We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
