there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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