Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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