I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
