i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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