Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
