actually, I'm a sock model
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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