I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
