im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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