Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
organizing the empties. That sober.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
