The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
