mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
