I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
