"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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