I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
