Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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