I cannot find my penis.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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