Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
