I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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