The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
