I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
