I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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