Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
