Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
