currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
