Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
