So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
