I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
