Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Randomize
