I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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