I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I touched a dick in church today
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
