Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
