i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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