I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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