I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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