there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Dicks are not precious.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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