You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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