we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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