Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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