You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
