Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
