Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
