my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
