smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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