mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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