Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
