Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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