everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
