so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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