Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
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I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
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She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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