Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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