I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
