i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I would ride that face into the sunset
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
