seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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