eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
