why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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